Tak Selamanya Selingkuh Itu Indah

Currently this song seem for me….what should i do?…A married guy fell in love with me and I also like him…but i dunno what to do…i try to avoid everything…i wanna back off…Ya Allah kuatkan semangat umat mu….

betapa ku mengerti sebagai selingkuhanmu
kuharus menjalani ikatan yang tersembunyi
ku mencoba bertahan meskipun menyakitkan
tak menyisakan sebuah sesal di hatiku

selama aku bisa membuatmu bahagia
berpaling ku tak mungkin singgahi hati yang lain
sebatas harapanku mohon pengertianmu
bahwa ku ingin memilikimu seutuhnya

seiring berlalu bergulirnya waktu
membuka rahasia di antara kita
pastinya kan ada hati yang terluka
tak menerima semua kenyataan yang ada

namun tak selayaknya perselingkuhan ini
yang lama kulalui menjadi tiada berarti
semenjak ku merasa harapmu sia-sia
hingga terluka hati kan membuatmu tak berdaya

mungkin kurelakan untuk kau tinggalkan
diriku disini harus mengakhiri
aku yang merasa lelah dan menyerah
karena tak selamanya selingkuh itu indah
biar kan cerita kita berpisah adanya
bila memang kita tak mungkin bersama selamanya

seiring berlalu bergulirnya waktu
membuka rahasia di antara kita
pastinya kan ada hati yang terluka
tak menerima semua kenyataan yang ada

mungkin kurelakan untuk kau tinggalkan
diriku disini harus mengakhiri
aku yang merasa lelah dan menyerah
karna tak selamanya selingkuh itu indah

betapa ku mengerti sebagai selingkuhanmu
ku harus menjalani ikatan yang tersembunyi
ku mencoba bertahan meskipun menyakitkan
tak menyisakan sebuah sesal di hatiku

Would You Stay In A Relationship You Were Unsure Of?…Hmmm

How long do you stay with someone when you’re no longer sure of their feelings?

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. I’ve never been one to question whether or not I have feelings for someone, but I can’t say the same thing about questioning if someone has feelings for me.

I know when I’m in love – I just know. There’s no doubt in my mind that whoever I am with is the one for me. I’m going to give them everything I have for as long as I can, because that’s what you do when you’re in love. You don’t give up. You spend every second you can putting a smile on their face, or picking them back up after they’ve fallen down. You make sure they know how much you care for them, that there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them. You love them, and there’s no doubt in their mind that you do.

As fate would have it, I’m in a relationship right now where each day I’m left questioning whether or not my boyfriend really loves me. He says the words, but his face and his actions say something different. I feel like I’m struggling to breathe around him when I try to make him laugh or ask him what he wants to do that night. I’m fighting for us, but I just feel like it’s a battle that I’m going to ultimately lose. Are relationships supposed to be this hard?

It didn’t used to be this way. I remember the days when he run up to me in the hallway at office just to say hi. People thought we were fools, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I had someone who loved me, and I loved him back. We’d hold hands even we were sitting next to each other, he’d call me just to say hello when he was thinking about me, and he told me that there was no one else in the world who could make him feel the way I could. But that’s over…

Now, I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if today is going to be the day that he ends it all. When I’ve addressed the changes in our relationship before, he just got angry and yelled, “Of course, I love you!” and stormed off away from me. That didn’t feel like love, not the kind I once knew with him. There’s a part of me that wonders if I should just end things now. I don’t want to be weak, and I certainly don’t want to be walked all over. But how do you give up on someone like that? We were so good together once, who says we can’t get back to that happy place?

I guess in the end I’m just left wondering if you should stay in a relationship that you’re unsure of? How do you know you’re not wasting your time or theirs? All I want is love, to be in it and to know that it is true.

…………….

You cannot love in seasons. Like choosing weather for your holiday which suits best for your hair and skin.

You cannot decide to chase after a bus after you just missed it, when in fact it has been waiting at the stop for you for plenty of times.

But if you do decide the journey’s worth taking, perhaps the bus is worth running after, in hope that the driver would see you through the mirror on the side. Only you’d rather give up before you even crack a sweat?

Some people don’t follow the rules. Or maybe they’re not worth following.

My lips are sealed. Assume. Let your imagination carry you away.

As people keep blaming and assuming, for the first time, this time, I will NOT explain or defend.

My lips are sealed. Assume. Let your imagination carry you away.

……Adakah Perempuan Insan Lemah….???

Saban hari, semakin sakit hati dan malas nak ke pejabat…Tak tahu kenapa perasaan ini wujud dihati???….Adakah sudah jemu dengan pekerjaan ini? Tapi tidak sebenarnya, me terlalu sukakan keje ni, namun ada beberapa perkara yang buat me rasa seolah-olah tak diendahkan.

Me ingat lagik waktu me mula2 keje, me ingin mengisi masa lapang sebelum menyambung pelajaran di peringkat ijazah ataupun menerima tawaran keje yang lebih baik. Me hanya bekerja dengan jawatan pembantu penyelaras sahaja dengan gaji sebanyak RM700 walaupun mempunyai diploma. Tapi me tak kesah sebab me suka keje ni, sebab me boleh kenal dan belajar berinteraksi dengan orang ramai. Sebab me tau, me agak pendiam dan berat mulut untuk berkata-kata dengan orang yang tidak rapat dengan me. Oleh sebab tu, melalui keje ni sedikit sebanyak me dapat belajar semua perkara. Me kenal ramai orang dengan pelbagai ragam.

Tak sampai beberapa bulan, unit me digabungkan dan secara automatik me dinaikkan jawatan. Alhamdulillah, ini mungkin rezeki me kerna kalau diikutkan me tak dapat tapi disebabkan salah seorg staff ingin menyambung pelajarannya, maka jawatan itu milik me….Itu apa yang sering diperkatakan org lain terhadap me. Namun me tak hiraukan, cos rezeki di mana2…biarlah apa yang org cakapkan…

Tahun 2009, segala-galanya berubah….dari seorang kawan berubah menjadi lawan….dari seorang rajin berubah menjadi pemalas….Itu apa yang me rasakan skang dan berbeku dihati ni terlalu lama…Me sedih sebab kawan yang rapat dulu telah mulai renggang hanya kerana hasutan pihak ketiga dan prestasi keja. Bila melibatkan prestasi keja, semua mula tidak puas hati dan mula mengata keburukan masing-masing. Me x kesah kalau dorg nak bersaing dengan me, tapi biarlah secara adil dan bersih. Jangan sekali-kali menabur fitnah dan kata-kata yang menyakitkan hati. Tambahan pula, bila kata-kata tu, me tak dgr sendiri tapi disampaikan oleh org luar. Terasa berbukam aje hati ni. Nak dimarah tak sampai hati. Me tak suka nak marah-marah sangat sebab me tau kalau me marah or meradang boleh buat org lain benci me. Me taknak org benci me, sbb me ssh nak benci org. Tak kisah berapa byk org tu buat me, me tetap treat them nice especially in works cos me jenis think & do it professional. No hard feeling.

Tapi apakan daya, semua ni hanya me boleh bertahan smpi pertengahan tahun sahaja. Me jadi insan yang lemah selepas kematian arwah Mak Ndak dan kebetulan terlalu banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam pada masa yang sama. Tetiba me rasa seolah-olah me jatuh ditimpa tangga, tinggal belum dihempap bangunan aje…..Terlalu banyak dugaan yang me hadapi dalam tahun ni. Terasa jiwa & diri ini dah tak mampu bertahan lagik. Keadaan semakin huru-hara apabila nama me seringkali dipetik-petik org hanya kononnya disebabkan perangai me. Me mengaku me bukan baik mana, me clubbing & smoking. So what? Jahat & buruk sgt ke dimata org?….For me, jahat & buruk org bukan manusia yang menilai, hanya Tuhan yang Satu yang berhak menilai pahala & dosa setiap umatnya. Kita sebagai umatnya hanya perlu menjalankan segala apa yang telah Tuhan amanatkan. For me, semua itu terpulang pada individu itu sendiri.

Cuba kita fikir semula, ada org keja merompak sana sini tapi selalu bantu org lain…mungkin duit yang diberikan tidak halal tapi niat dihati masih suci…Ini kan pula orang yang tutup diri penuh sempurna tapi hari-hari menabur fitnah & anyam ketupat perihal orang lain. Pada me, sama je kesimpulan yang dibuat. Baik yang ni, buruk yang ni, baik yg sana, buruk yg sana…..So takde perbezaan antara semua org…Kite hanya perlu sedar kedudukan kite dan beringat, kite bukannya sempurna….masih ada kekurangan yang perlu dibaiki.

Berbalik pada luahan hati me…Apa yang me rasa skang, kesenangan di tempat keja berubah menjadi bahang dan kesesakan untuk bernafas walaupun hanya seketika di dalam ofis. Me pun tak tahu kenapa perkara ni jadi sebegini. Cuma me terkilan, disebabkan me tak banyak buka mulut, selalu me diperlekehkan. Kekdg me rasa me tak perlu tunjuk pandai sebab ini lagi mendatangkan kemarahan mereka. Sampaikan satu masa, org boleh berkata me pandai aircond “Boss” dan pandai layan org ni, org tu….Secara jujur me katakan, me tak pandai buat semua tu, me lagik suka berterus-terang dan fikir secara rasional dan memberi pendapat kepada semua org. Namun, me tak sangka semua itu, disalahertikan.

Pada mulanya me tak endahkan tapi makin lama makin menjadi2…Adakah sebab me seorg perempuan? Dan tak layak diberi tanggungjawab or beban keje untuk sesuatu program?….Jika dipertanggungjawabkan, mesti org fikir me banyak bodek org atasan….For me, it is nonsense. I want to do it cos i want to learn and still learning process. Cos, now kita hidup zaman alaf baru, why fikiran nak mcm dahulu kala? Think positive la and move forward, one step ahead…Not do it backward…Tak kan nak hidup ni takuk yg lama. Mcm mana pun, me tetap bersyukur dan berdoa agar me tabah hadapi semua dugaan ni. Me akan cuba kuatkan semangat tak hiraukan semua ni…For those yg baca blog ni, me hanya ingin luahkan perasaan me sahaja. Bukan untuk menyakitkan hati sesiapa. Mungkin cara ni sahaja yg dpt melegakan hati dan melapangkan apa yg terbuku dihati me. Me mohon maaf jika tersilap kata dan terkasar budi bahasa. Doakan me tabah hadapi semua dugaan dalam kehidupan ini dan menemui kebahagiaan dan ketenangan hati.

Sekian

….Missing My Besties…..My Life….

Ijan, Kechik & Teh

Hari ini, tetiba rasa rajin nak blogging setelah sekian lama tak blogging kerna sibuk dengan keje. Saja-saja tengok2 kawan2 punye blog, especially one of My Besties’s blog – Nurliena (kechik). Me baca blog title “RECENTLY”, tetiba terasa sedih cos tak dpt join dorg that time waktu Nad’s Wedding in Subang disebabkan komitmen dengan keje. Terasa rugi dan menyesal. Rase sunyi dan sepi melanda di hati….. 😥

Sebenarnya, selama ini me sangat rindukan My Besties. Me teringat waktu blajar kat Uitm, bila me ada masalah, dekat dorglah me selalu luahkan….My Besties yang slalu bantu me bila masa me stress, depressed and susah. Tapi sekarang tidak lagi, me terpaksa simpan sendiri sakit hati ini. Me sendiri yang ubati luka me sendiri….Sebab me xde sape2 yang boleh gantikan tempat dorg di hati me. Merekalah kawan terbaik di dunia dan akhirat. Me akan sentiasa ingat mereka sampai bila….Ijan, Kechik & Teh….I luv the three of u…

CONGRATULATIONS…..ERNADIA..& RIZAL….!!!

Im Happy For Them…Sorry for not attending ur wedding….huhu

Happy tgok muka my oldclassmate in Uitm….

Happily ever after

I grew up reading fairy tales, watching Disney princesses, playing with Barbie Dolls, all falling for prince charming, or in Barbie’s case, Ken.

Some parents are against children playing with toys like Barbie, which give negative ideas to children, “influencing” them to be shallow, and to think how women are “supposed” to look in order to be considered as “beautiful”. There’s also a teen version doll which is so popular, Bratz, with dolls dressing up like “tramps” (as I quote from among the key words brought up as I was talking about this with friends). Or you know like how in fairy tales, the princesses are always the “victim”, and they wait for their princes to come to their rescue, and expect a “happily ever after, the end.”

My daddy calls me his princess. One of the perks of being the only daughter in the family – you’re the ONLY princess 😀 you’re forever daddy’s lil girl, mom’s best girl friend, and adik’s favourite kakak. Although my lil bro is at an age, where he hates everyone and everything except his “stuff”, sometimes, when he’s in one of his rarely good moods, he comes to me and plays with my hair, rubbing my head vigorously, and walks away. One of his funny ways to express his love for me. Haha.

I don’t know how my parents do it, honestly. They raised me, thinking I was “their” princess, occasionally dolled me up in party princess dresses, allow me to sing and dance, carrying a microphone (or an imaginary one) as I pleased – but even for this, I don’t believe I grew up to be “shallow” or wanting to conform to the society’s definition of “beauty”, or to be spoiled in fact. I do not believe in being helpless, or playing victim, just so I can have some prince charming in his shining armour to come sweep me off my feet. I believe that I should be held liable and responsible for my own self, and expect no one to do anything for me, but to take charge and control of my own being and destiny.

Some of my friends who have recently had babies and little girls, decide to limit what their daughters watch or play with – not wanting their children to believe in fairy tales and end up with broken hearts, or not wanting their children to be spoilt and big-headed, or to think the only way to a boy’s heart is through long tanned legs and blond hair. So, really, where do you put the line? Can’t you have both? The wonderful world of imagination, of fairies and elves, and pirates or the wicked witch? And at the same time, educate the children, that this isn’t, real? That things don’t work this way in the “real world”? But isn’t the “real life” somewhat the same as well, only not as exaggerated?

It’s really up for both parents on how to raise their children. But it really is a tough question, isn’t it? What are the boundaries? Like if the children are allowed to play with dolls, what costumes are considered “decent” and what are not? Then, also, if we “tell” our children that “skimpy wearing dolls”, are no-good, a little like Erin Brokovich-y, wouldn’t that mean teaching the children to be shallow as well, but on the other picture of it – also judging people, by how they dress? And what is wrong? Who decides?

On the other side, there are parents, already planting hair extensions on their children’s head, spraying fake tans on their legs, getting them ready for the children beauty pageant. At what extent, does this stop being cute? Or is it wrong to start with, if the parents want their children to be beautiful as how they define it, but at the same time stresses and instill the other good values and principles in life as well?

Who decides what is right or wrong?

I would like to have a perfect stand on this one, but for some reason, I don’t or, can’t. I guess, I am somewhere in the middle.

When I was a child, I had a favourite Disney princess, Belle from Beauty and the beast. She was beautiful, sweet, loved her father, loved books, and wasn’t afraid to stand up for herself, the people she love and for what she believed in.

In my teenage years, I came to watch an altered version of Cinderella, a movie played by Drew Barrymore called Ever After, which became one of my favourite all time movies. She wasn’t the typical helpless, victimised Cinderella. She was a strong, intelligent and pretty Cinderella.

And it wouldn’t hurt to catch a “prince charming” at the end of it, would it?

And to live happily ever after. The end.

My Bad Day…Emotional Day

Life is about

trusting our feeling

and

taking chances,

losing

and

finding happiness,

appreciating the memories

and

learning from the past.

Selamat Hari Raya AidilFitri

Tahun ini, sekali lagi balik beraya di Langkawi…Seronoknye cos kali ni semua balik kecuali angah terpaksa bekerja di pada hari raya ke-2…Walau bagaimanapun, kami masih beraya dengan gembira dan mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya & Mohon Maaf pada Angah melalui handphone…Nasib baik zaman sekarang serba maju, tidak payah telegram yang mengambil masa 1 minggu untuk sampai…Ini hanya dengan tekan dail, dah boleh dengar suara…hikhikhik 😀

Gelagat adik-adik saudara dan anak saudara Kak Teh amat memenatkan, namun kami tergelak lihat gelagat mereka yang pelbagai aksi bila kamera di depan mata mereka… 😛 Macam-macam ragam mereka untuk beraksi ala-ala model gitu…hehe…Namun, kami tetap mengingati arwah Mak Ndak yang baru kehilangan pada tanggal 2hb Jun 2009 baru-baru ini. Selepas sembahyang raya, kami terus ke kubur arwah untuk sedekahkan doa kepadanya agar dicucuri rahmat di alam barzakh…Kami akan sentiasa mengingatimu walaupun jasadmu tiada disisi kami, namun arwah tetap berada dalam hati kami sekeluarga…Aminn….

Cahaya Mata Arwah (Berbaju Biru & Kuning) – Kesayangan kami sekeluarga

Let the battle begin

You work for money, you work for interest, you work for satisfaction…
tapi yang paling common we work for money…takde duit mcmana nak go on with life kan…
but….working environment can be stressfull, especially bila something not right been done by people that didnt think in lieu with us…got what i mean? senang citer bila orang tu tak buat macam kita buat, tak kerja macam kita kerja, tak pikir macam kita pikir…
tapi takpe, i will learn through experience, i will work towards what have been projected on me, i will make it work. I will. In the end i want to win.
so let the

Love..the mystery it gives.

As I sit on the floor having my own time with the silence of  the night, there was this question that keeps on knocking into my mind…”why does love hurts?” I am aware that I am not the only one who thought about this obnoxious fact,but really…why does it hurts???

I am no longer a newbie about love and been into couple of relationship that during those time i believed it’s almost perfect…I can still remember the first one which gave me the feeling of having butterflies on my tummy,or that time when he held my hand and I felt like I was the most happiest girl there is on that moment,and oh yeah you remember the time that you feel like the world stops from spinning? or how about that feeling of being on the place they called cloud nine? Those feelings are real we felt it  but they’re all just too good to be true to lasts…that’s what i realized now (but it’s really hard to wake up from this dreamy feeling)…so you experience that? and after wards what? you’re going to devote yourself to your love interest,doing things even those things that you hated to do just to prove your love,commit yourself faithfully and worship them,putting them into pedestal, offering and showering them the purity of your love that most of the time we forgot to leave even a single strand of self loving to ourselves…when we fall in love we always to this: ~ hinking of our gf/bf first before ourselves, the question is…is it worth it?or to rephrase it, does some of them deserve it?

We felt love that sometimes makes us blind to notice that we fell for the wrong person but since we believe to what we feel, we just keeps ignoring those signs that they are not the right one, instead we keep pushing more to make the relation works, we strive to prove that it is really what we think it is and in the end we only suffers. We can’t avoid failed relationships so we have to be broad minded when it comes to commitment but lets face it, no matter how imperfect our relationship was, it still stings once it’s ended,maybe because we have some regrets,the what ifs and the truth that no matter how we avoid or prevent it,we are all  victims of it…specially when we thought that we’re in love with the person but the fact is we’re just in love with love.

I’ve been there, and i was badly hurt, since then i was so cautious when it comes to love matters. Most often i thought, can i run away from it? Or can I just hibernate to be safe from it? Or shield myself with numbness to become exemption and deprive myself from love itself? But time came that i realized this…”I am no fool”..I am just wishful thinker…being hurt by love is tiring…yet again once it knocks I cant just move away now and ignore it instead i welcome love with open arms, love aint that bad all the time, right? This time whatever it takes, I am a willing victim.

…and reviewing this blog i am writing right now leaves me with dumb founded reactions…i cant really point out which is which…all i can understand now is we are all victims of love and we can do nothing with it not to be one…when it comes to love we can’t say no once it strucks, the more you run away from it the persistent it chases you,the more you ignore the feeling the more it haunts you..that’s how powerful it is….to sum it all,go… let yourself get involve in love but dont overdo it…hahaha…  now…. I stop myself from whinning about it…(sigh)….i got tired from running…now i give my self in…tonight…i will embrace love once more…